Gnarledge is a Burden
by Unconsciousdirt
Summary: Tristana's least favorite part of the job is checking on the problem citizens of Bandle City. But with the double trouble of Lulu homeschooling Gnar, she has to be prepared for anything. But she would never have expected this.


The last day of a Yordle's work week was typically a busy day in anticipation of a relaxing weekend. Since most Yordles were either self-employed or apprenticed to another Yordle, the last day was reserved for anything they had put off from the week. Bakers cleaned the ovens. Carpenters swept up the sawdust. The Bandle Gunners checked on the dangerous citizens. Well, just one of the Bandle Gunners.

"And I said to him, 'Johnnes can go check on them. He's a great shot if things go haywire.' But no, Command says, 'these are league fighters, so we have to send Tristana. She's the only one who really knows what she's dealing with.' Making me waste the day I clean Boomer."

Tristana was not happy, and rightfully so. Because of some very inopportune League Matches she was picked to fight in, Tristana had been unable to use the morning to check on the more volatile members of the Bandle City populace. Thankfully, Teemo had finished his last day agenda early and had agreed to check the other side of the city to see if Viegar was planning anything. The megalomaniacal Yordle could be a problem if he decided that day was his revenge for previous failed attempts, but Teemo could incapacitate him if needed. All Teemo had asked for in return was that she see a show with him that night. She had obliged under the condition that she would pay for herself. That left only 2 citizens to check, who were thankfully in the same house.

As Tristana approached her destination, she observed how the decorative ferns and uncracked concrete gave way to strangely colored exotic plants and cobblestones. Indeed, it seemed like the city had turned into a jungle in only a few stumps, but Tristana knew that this jungle held no danger. Unlike Kumungu or the Plague jungles, the only wild things living here resided in a small cottage in the center. Walking up to the door, she pulled the chain to ring the doorbell.

PFFFFBBBTTTTT!

A fart noise. Still not funny the fiftieth time she pulled on it.

A few moments later, the door opened to reveal Lulu, the Fae Sorceress. Lulu was a purple Yordle with a chubby face and excited eyes. She wore magenta robes and a matching witch's hat, which was several sizes too large. Accompanying her at all times was Pix, a small humanoid with butterfly wings. Tristana had never heard him speak, but he was Lulu's principal consort and familiar.

"TRISTANA! What a surprise!" Lulu yelled.

"I'm here on the last day of every week, Lulu," Tristana said in an exasperated tone of voice. This dialogue was getting repetitive with every week. "I just have to come in and give a report to command about you and the wild child. May I come in so we can get this over with?" 

Without waiting for the inevitable "Yes come in and have a cupcake! You are working too hard for those big wigs and you've gotten way too skinny. I made a batch this morning, but I can't seem to get Caitlyn's recipe right," Tristana walked in.

Lulu seemed to get a little flustered at the entrance, but with a shake of her head, her expression became cheerful again. Finding their usual chairs in the living room, the two went through the weekly interview process.

Tristana began, "Ok. Lulu. Have you, your familiars, pets, etcetera caused any damage to the city besides the damage already documented."

"Oh no. Pix has had a cold this week, so we've been inside nursing him back to help. There was an incident in the market where I made a fish a little bigger and the stand broke though. But I fixed it!" Lulu said sincerely.

"Broke…fish stand…investigate…compensate." Tristana spoke as she wrote on her clipboard. She had long since given up on chastising the witch for her misdeeds. Best to let command deal with it. "Anything else?"

"No. That's it for me this week." Lulu answered cheerfully.

"Ok. Now how has Gnar made any progress this week? Can he speak the common tongue yet?"

"No, not yet. But we did try something new this week! I taught him to read!"

Tristana looked up from her board at this. Gnar was a prehistoric Yordle who had survived in the True Ice of the Freiljord for thousands of years. Upon emerging, he had nearly killed Rengar and was immediately considered as a champion for the League for doing so. But with nowhere for the boy to go, the Institute gave custody of him to Bandle City, who immediately delegated him to the military, who then delegated him to Lulu. Tristana spearheaded the movement, as she determined that if anyone could deal with his temper while living alongside him, it was Lulu.

That being said, Gnar couldn't even speak properly, making noises and chanting as his primary way of communicating. And while he could understand the intent of the summoners, he had only made mocking attempts at copying other champions. That Lulu had managed to jump from teaching Gnar words to teaching him to read made absolutely no sense.

"Ok. So you are telling me that that boy can understand that one symbol after another makes a word, but he can't speak yet? Moreover, why would you even try to teach him to read?" Tristana asked.

"Well, I noticed while I was making dinner earlier this week, a roast duck simmered in lily extract with an exquisite sauce. It was so delicious Trist! I think I have some leftover in the fridge if you want to try som-"

"Focus Lulu!" Tristana yelled.

"Right, sorry. Anyway, I was reaching to get some of the sauce when I noticed the pot was missing. So I asked Pix if he saw what happened and he told me he saw Gnar take it to his room. Now I was a little mad because I had worked very hard on that sauce and if he ate all of it, he wouldn't be hungry for any duck." Lulu rambled. Trist's eye began to twitch slightly.

"So I got to his room, and I was not mad anymore. He was taking the sauce and he was using it to draw pictures on the walls. And not like anything scribbly or colorful, but actual pictures of animals and Yordles. His whole room is like an art gallery that smells like pomegranate-chili sauce." Lulu said, drooling slightly. Trist snapped her fingers a few times to break the trance.

"So I asked him what one of the animals was, and he looked me in the eyes and said, 'Abraffa.' And so I pointed at another one and he said 'Narber.' And we did it a few times and I realized his sounds aren't random. He's speaking his own language! So I called Heimy up and he said that if we know what a word is in writing, we don't have to know what it sounds like!"

Trist was aghast. "Let me get this straight. He knows how to speak, but just not our language."

"Most indeededly."

"And so you thought if he learned a word in writing, we could teach what it meant later?"

Lulu clapped her hands. "That's the plan!"

Tristana stared on and took a breath. "I've gotta see it to believe it. Go get him and have him show me."

"Ok! Gnar, sweetie! Can you come here a second?"

There was a crash in another part of the house and a high pitched yelp. With her left ear, she could hear footsteps rapidly making their way across the house. Finally, the chair Tristana was sitting in lurched forward as the Missing Link launched himself to the back of it.

Gnar was unlike any other Yordle who lived today. While male Yordles were almost always covered in fur, only Gnar's could be described as a pelt. His fur was orange in coloration with red undertones and his face was white. His teeth were sharper than typical Yordles, and his diet included more meat. While common-day Yordles had apparently evolved their tails out of existence, Gnar's was long and bushy. At the end was a blue tuft of fur, likely painted on. His ears were long and blue. While in many matches he simply wore a brown loincloth and a headdress he had fashioned out of bones, at home he usually dressed in cute green Dinosaur pajamas.

"Okanoo" Gnar said to Tristana, sniffing her hair.

Lulu's face grew stern. "Gnar, what have I said about being nice to the furniture?"

Gnar looked at her, and then jumped down. He walked calmly over to Lulu's chair, where he wedged himself in next to her.

Lulu's face softened. "That's better. Now Gnar, I just finished telling Tristana that you can read books now. Do you want to get one so we can show her?"

Gnar's face became a large toothy grin, and he dashed back to his room. Another crash later, the boy returned with a small paperback children's book. Taking his seat next to Lulu, he opened the book to the first page. Concentrating, he began to speak.

"T-t-thi-this…i-is…K-K-Ko-o-og. S-se-ee…K-og R-Run. Kog…r-run-ss…f-fa-st." Gnar said, sounding out each word. He looked up at Tristana and beamed. Tristana's jaw was wide open.

"You…managed it. He can speak. He can sound words out. Lulu, you are brilliant! What book was that by the way?" Tristana asked.

"See Kog run. Apparently one of Malzahar's cult was trying to get the Void champions some better publicity in other city-states, so they have been releasing books. Vel'Koz has a textbook. Cho'Gath and Kha'Zix have a cookbook. I think Rek'Sai is having a comic made. Kog'Maw was made as a character for this book. There was a book on tape for this, but it's pretty much just a few slobbering sounds…followed by screaming." Lulu said, growing a little somber. Gnar had turned the page, sounding out other words whether or not the others were listening.

"Well, sounding out words is a great start. Maybe he could become a spokesyordle for a reading program or something." Tristana said, mood considerably lighter from hearing Gnar's adorable voice read "jumped over the fence" from his book.

Lulu sat up. "He can read a lot more than that. It was probably a day after I taught him, he grabbed one of Pix's Quantum Theory books off the shelf and started sounding out really complicated words. He picked up the different word sounds really quickly like silent 'p' and 'th' and even more."

"Well if it helps him learn words later on, I say let him read. This is going to be a great report to the higher ups. Maybe in a few weeks I can just visit because I want to, rather than have it be part of my job." Trist said while getting up, a smile forming on her face for the first time that day.

"Oh, are you leaving so soon. I was about to put dinner on!" Lulu said, nudging her way past Gnar. Gnar finally realized that no one was paying attention and he closed his book and followed Lulu.

Tristana was packing up her papers and heading to the door.

"No, it's fine. Teemo and I were going to have dinner before a movie tonight. As friends. Put your eyes back in your head, Lulu. Anyway, this was one of my better visits today. It's a really impressive thing you've done," she said, giving Lulu a small hug. She turned to Gnar.

"And as for you. Keep it up! That was some good reading you did today! A little more practice and you'll have it totally down!" Gnar smiled at her praise. Trist returned the smile and walked out the door.

"Bye you guys, see you next week!" she said with a wave.

"Don't be a stranger!" Lulu said, waving as well. Gnar watched her and imitated the wave.

Tristana disappeared into the jungle and the two went inside.

"Always nice whenever she stops over, but I still think she's getting too thin. Speaking of thin, why don't I get dinner started. What would you like, Gnar?" Lulu asked.

"Bok bok bok!" Gnar babbled, meaning he wanted to have chicken that night.

"That sounds good to me, too! And Pix is feeling good enough to help, so I can make the most splendiferous fried chicken while making sure my dipping sauce doesn't go missing," she said with a wink at Gnar. Not getting it, he just cheered.

 **xXxXx**

"-so that's when I was at the market and I saw this old biddy at the apple stand. She and I got to talking and she said her mom who, get this, is an even older biddy at the elder center!" Lulu explained while peppering Ashe with hot fairy dust. "And she said that they have kids over all the time to read to the elders. And so I asked if they would take Gnar and they said yes!"

Tristana blasted a hapless minion to death and ducked into the brush with Lulu.

"Are you sure that's smart. What if he goes Mega? You know how the elders can be. And I'd rather not have the Gunners on him because you let him in public…again."

Lulu tossed a ward into the other brush and whimsy'd the poor Bard grabbing his charm. Tristana made short work of him. One threat down, Lulu continued.

"No, no. He'll be fine. We've been working on his temper and he doesn't go Mega unless he's-ARROW...unless he's either hurt or surprised. He can handle a few harsh words."

"So long as you think he'll be fine, but I'll have the Gunners on standby in case anything goes wrong."

"That sounds fair," Lulu said, saving Tristana from the ganking Kha'Zix with a perfectly timed Wild Growth.

And the fighting subsided in the bot lane with a Triple Kill.

 **xXxXx**

"An-and Vo-li said 'Th-this po-porri-dge-porridge is jussst ri-right. Th-the end.' Fue huega!" Gnar said with a laugh.

Lulu gave him a smile while stirring his breakfast. "That was very good Gnar. And just like Volibear, you get to have some delicious porridge for breakfast."

Gnar gave a cheer and set is book down, grabbing his spoon. Utensils were another lesson he had had to learn, and it hadn't come as easily as reading.

"Ok Gnar, we just have to let it cool for a few minutes because it is very hot," Lulu said as she set the bowl in front of him. With the utmost precision, Gnar put his spoon in the porridge like they had spent weeks learning. "Let's go over the checklist for today before you go to the elder home. Got your backpack?"

"Kek."

"Got your flowers?"

"Kek."

"Got your winning attitude?"

"Dubba kek!"

Lulu grabbed her hat and staff and went to the door. "Ok Gnar. Head straight there, don't talk to strangers, and if you see an animal leave it alone. I'm trusting you Gnar. If you need help, Tristana says she has her friends around to help you. Goodbye."

"Gabah Lululu!" Gnar called after her.

Gnar was feeling good. Gnar was gonna go and make Elders happy by showing off how good Gnar was at reading. Gnar didn't know what any of the words meant, but whenever Gnar did it Lululu smiled at Gnar. Lululu was letting Gnar do it all on Gnar's own, too. Gnar had this delicious looking food in front of Gnar. Everything was looking just right.

And Gnar was very hungry, but Lululu told Gnar it was too hot. Gnar had to wait. A good time for Gnar to practice. Gnar got Gnar's favorite book, the really colorful one, and tried to sound the words out. It took some patience, but Gnar was always getting faster. It was a little hard to concentrate while Gnar was hungry, though. And while the food was sitting in front of Gnar. Was it long enough yet? Surely yes. Gnar could eat Gnar's food, go read to Elders, and make Lululu happy.

Gnar grabbed the spoon from the bowl with a big mouthful of porridge and took a bite.

HOT! VERY HOT! BURNING! TOO HOT! OW! OW! OWRRRGH! RRRGH! HURT GNAR! NOT HURT GNAR! GNAR KILL! GNAR BITE! GNAR CRUNCH! GNAAAR!

Awake. Gnar was awake. The table. The table was broke. It had a bite mark in it. And Gnar was not hungry anymore. The porridge was gone, so Gnar must have eaten it. But…THE BOOKS? What happened? The books were in pieces! The pages are wet and slimy! Gnar can't read these! What will Lululu say? What will the Elders do if Gnar can't read to them? No. Gnar is not going to panic. Gnar just doesn't have any more of Gnar's books. Pix-Pix! Pix-Pix has books. Oh, but Pix-Pix moved them. Gnar doesn't have time to climb to where they are. Are there any other books in the house. Think Gnar!

And so Gnar thought, remembering back to the last time he had seen a book. And that's when he remembered. He had gone into Lululu's room before and she put a book under the bed when she saw him.

Gnar was clever. Gnar just had to get that book. It was bigger, but Gnar could handle it. The Elders would be so happy!

And so Gnar searched under the bed until he found the book. Putting it in his backpack, he left for the Elder home.

 **xXxXx**

Lulu returned home to find a squad of Bandle Gunners outside. She had hoped he could handle it, but now she just hopes the Elders are ok. She saw Tristana over by the door.

"Trist. How bad is it? Is anyone dead? Oh I knew I shouldn't have let him go alone, but I thought he could handle it. I just…I-"

"Whoa, whoa! Take it easy, Lulu. No one was hurt. Gnar came to us. We just brought him home. But I can say that he needs some comfort right now, and you are the best to do it." Tristana said slowly.

"Why? He knows the way home. Did something happen at the Elder's home?" Lulu asked.

"Well, Gnar showed up on time to read to the Elders, but about ten minutes later, he ran out crying with the matron yelling at him. Apparently, he read the Elders something very inappropriate." Tristana replied.

Lulu was confused. "But that doesn't make any sense. The books all said 'Approved for All Audiences' so how could they be offensive?"

Trist suddenly seemed like she didn't know what to do with her hands. "Well, we went inside and your table has a huge bite mark in it. His books were in pieces too. Whatever book he brought was not his."

Lulu's face was surprised. She magick up another table. That wasn't a problem. But if Gnar didn't take his books, what did he read? Pix moved his books so Gnar couldn't get them, so the only other book in the house was…

"Riding the Dragon…" Lulu whispered.

"Come again?" Tristana said.

"It's nothing," Lulu said, face turning from purple to maroon very quickly. "Thank you for bringing him home. I owe you."

"Just doing our job. Go see what's wrong." Turning around, Tristana yelled at her Gunners. "Alright boys, pack it up. Gonna be a bunch of tears and feelings flying around and we don't need to be there for them. Bandle Gunners, Move Out!"

After the last Gunner had left, Lulu went inside. As she got closer to Gnar's room, she could hear him sniffling. She opened the door slowly.

"Gnar…is it alright if I come in?" She said.

No answer. Then she heard a sniff, and then a "Mo'kay."

"Gnar, I'm sorry that the old folks didn't appreciate your reading. It was my fault. I didn't teach you that there were different kinds of books. But I really shouldn't have left before you were ready. This was a big day for you. I should have been here." Lulu said, on the verge of tears herself.

Gnar was listening and heard her about to cry. He wrapped his arms around her and gave her a hug, which she returned.

"Gnar…do you still want to read? I hope today hasn't made you want to stop. I earned some money today. I can get you all new books. But if you don't want to read anymore, we can stop."

Gnar was silent for a moment. And then he turned to Lulu and said.

"Lululu geh boks. Gnar read to Lululu. Lululu smile."

Lulu's eyes welled up with tears.

"That would make me glad, Gnar. Come on. We don't have anything to cry about! Let's go to the kitchen and get some cupcakes!"

"YAY!" Gnar cheered, following his friend to the kitchen.


End file.
